grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
