and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
