Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize