Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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