so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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