his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
