dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
