Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
