my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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