your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
ok first of all what the fuck
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
