I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
