I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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