The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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