Can i not drive my cunt home
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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