every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
