the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
