dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
