you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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