So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
