why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
