My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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