you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you will always have a special place in my vag
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You ate ashes out of my bong
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
