you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
