First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
