I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
