We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
