I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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