Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize