You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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