he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
