I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize