I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize