can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
