There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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