i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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