And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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