as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
