I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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