I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
