You made me cry and you don't even care
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
