I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
