I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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