my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
