ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
