I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
