i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Randomize
