I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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