New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
