using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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