You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There's always time for handjobs
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
