Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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