Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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