I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
