Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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