Please, let me fuck your mom
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize