surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
