Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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