i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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